Let me be clear immediately: I think the article is an example of gross oversimplification and hyperbole and does an actual disservice to both Asian mothers and "Western" mothers.
Despite her half-hearted attempts at defining "Chinese mother," I believe that many people will use this to vilify Asian mothers in general. Her examples, especially about being called "garbage" are extreme. While I don't doubt that this happens in some families (not just Asian ones) I think it feeds into the stereotype of Asian mothers and Asian families in general.
That the author is Asian herself makes this all the more depressing. (Sort of like a modern day Hop Sing: Me makee sure white people like me by makee fun of Chineee mudda.)
Her good points, for example that Chinese mothers feel their children can achieve anything they want, is lost in the morass of supposed general "examples" and talk of pianos and violins. Damn, all we needed was something about doing Calculus on the way to a football game and we'd be all set. (Of course, Asian kids aren't allowed to go to football games so I guess it's about doing Calculus on the way to violin lessons.)
By grounding her points in stereotypical examples, she lets "Western" mothers off the hook. Many of the points, including that self-esteem comes from the ability to excel at things and learn how to get to that point, are generally applicable. But making them so alien it allows people to say "well, that's not how we do things in this country" and continue to find excuses for why their children don't do as well as Asian children.
The fact is Asian students, and white students, and Black ones and Hispanic ones excel when thy are pushed to do so. When expected to excel they pretty much do so. But kids are lazy and won't do anything more than they are forced to do. The fact is in families that have high achieving children, the "minimum" level of activity and schoolwork equates to an A, not a C.
We need to get away from this "Everyone's a winner!" mentality because that's not the real world. What good parents have always know is that self-esteem comes from success not the other way around. I know this from personal experience. One of the reasons I was able to withstand the anti-gay bullying at school was because I knew I was better and more worthy than my attackers. This didn't arise by some over-fawning desire to nourish my self-esteem, but from the fact that I was doing better than them in school, in harder classes. It seems so childish now, but I was carried along by the idea that one day they'd be working for me.
This is not Asian parenting or any other style of parenting, this is general GOOD parenting.
So very true, and artfully put. The trophies for all deal is a serious problem. My parents used some of the techniques (demanding good grades, etc) and are NOT Asian -- though having never been to Asia, I couldn't speak for general cultural differences there. Asians DO seem to achieve more -- but then, the suicide rate for Asian teen girls is far greater than than for others, and CNN did a spot on how it's because they are so afraid of NOT achieving. Like anything in life, it's hard to find the right balance.
ReplyDeleteBtw- I like your blog title ;)
@PillowNaut - thanks! The author and article refer to an Asian-American experience, I believe. Was the CNN spot about Asian girls or Asian-American girls? Would love to see it. In any case, as your personal example illustrates the elements of good parenting exist in all races and cultures.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I agree. My parents specifically begged me to study less & expand beyond my love of academics even trying to bribe me to get a B. They always said I could do anything but wanted me to TRY more things & expand my horizons. I wanted to be Validictorian & was btw but am not Asian. I think this is all has much more to do with parenting your child to handle the cultural expectations and challenges of the given community based on the parent's understanding of their child's temperament. I think you can push more effectively by using different strategies. But I agree that parents need to expect greatness and push kids to find their potential & especially not forget that being parents is not about being liked all the time.
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